mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
