Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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