all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
