good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
