it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
