I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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