I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
