You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
