she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
