she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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