I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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