Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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