I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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