I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
