I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
