That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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