i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
