so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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