Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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