Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
