found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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