Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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