if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
