I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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