NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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