It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
