yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
