So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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