So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
