Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
