I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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