My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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