No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
