I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
false alarm. still invincible.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
