There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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