I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
