i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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