Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
