im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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