my vag is so smooth its legendary
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
