I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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