I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
