I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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