i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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