I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
