I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
