why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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