We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
