2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My penis needs a shock collar
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
