Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
