3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
