some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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