you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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