if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
